DAY 2

Ranchi, 29th june, 3:00 pm

A letter to the television

Dear television,

I am writing this letter to you after great introspection. I am just a regular teenager who attends boring lectures the whole week, and craves for some good entertainment when not being threatened by ugly teachers. That was how our relationship started. Plain and simple friendship. No questions no demands. No sorry no thank you. The type jay and aditi had in jaane tu ya jaane na. But then you moved on to saas bahu sagas. I did not tell you anything. You showed me fat aunties dressed in kanjeevram saris the whole day and who slept with full makeup on. I didn’t even protest when you defied human biology, let people live for more than 400 years, brought people back from dead, showed wives killing their husbands and turned the kitchen room into the plotting room. I did not tell you that I was never interested in knowing when tulsi aunty killed her which son and I how parvati bhabi maintained her figure throughout the 100 yrs of the serial . I could not even understand if sanjeevani hospital is a hospital or a dance bar. I am still not interested if a Brahmin boy falls in love with a kyastha girl or why balika vadhu’s dadisa acts as if a mad dog just bit her. I don’t want to know ki kaun sa rista kya kehlaata hai or sadhna of “bidaai” also sang agle jaanm mohe bitiya hi kijo” when she died or not.

But I was still happy then. At least you had the music channels. I could at least listen to some music. Aah! How nice were those days. But then you thought about harassing me even more. You turned all music channels into reality shows. You replaced the old VJS with reality show contestants who have IQs worse than deepika padukone’s acting skills. Whenever I try to listen to some music all I get to know is who got eliminated in which episode and which new slang is hot in the market. Judges insulting contestants, contestants insulting the host, contestants insulting each other. Fighting with each other as if Pakistan had invaded India and they are the last of soldiers left for the war. Oh, please shut up. All I got from you was utter crap.

You bombarded me with reality contests. Singing, dancing, eating, acting, modeling. You had it all. You even had a show on babies. Lemme tell you one thing. I don’t care a damn about who became the next “desh ki awaz” or who becomes the next “dance ka baap”. You asked me to vote just because a music director who uses the CTRL, C, V buttons more often than prerna aunty changes her husbands says so? You tried to emotionally blackmail me. Yes, everyone whom you selected was poor and all of them begged for votes. And I am sick of the “kya baat kya baat kya baat”. I still stayed on with you, mind you. But then you moved to marriages. I was never interested in who became baaki sawant’s new husband and did she have her honeymoon on TV too. But no, you then continued this torture with a laughing monster (better known as rahul mahajan). I still kept quiet. But then you crossed all limits. You even invaded people’s past lives. When I don’t care about people in this janam how can I be interested in their pichla janam.

But you still tested me. With your news channels. Yes, I was happy with the fact that at least I get to know what’s happening in the world. But what I didn’t want to know was what brand of milk do aliens drink and which boy fell in which well. I couldn’t care less about who bitched about whom and who is kareena kapoor latest boyfriend. You shouted the news and did not even let me sleep in peace (Chan se sona hai toh jaag jaao). I had to turn down the volume because the neighbor threatened to take revenge by himesh’s songs. (“Kuch toh baaaaaaankiiiiiiiiiiiiii hai”). I think one person dies of a heart attack everyday when you shout out breaking news and proceed to show Katrina kaif with her ”oh look I have got an accent which can’t be traced in any part of the world”.

And the final nail in the coffin was when you decided to replace saas bahu sagas with women oriented subjects. No, don’t get me wrong I am completely in for women’s rights but no you twisted the tale and presented them in a hugely melodramatic way. What I would like to do is to get hold of the witch from the “baat paaki” show who wants to verify her prospective daughter in law’s purity (in a manner which casts serious suspicion of her sexual orientation). If I had my way I would have loved to kidnap the horse faced “ridhima” from dill mil Gaye “and hang her for “terrorizing small kids with her fake laugh”.

I think I’ve lost my mind. I watched big toss in repeat mode. I even watched twilight. The sheer example of romancing with ghosts. Hell, I even watched uday chopra’s movies. Wherever I went there was sheer horror and torture. What was the need for shows like aahat and koi hai. Just watch that old hag from pavitra rista. She’s enough to give you Goosebumps. But now no more. I’ve had enough. I will not be able to take it any longer. I can’t bear the bitto, laado, rajo, bebo, mata, behen, maa, pita,beti ke bhai ke chacha ka pati or any other show on relationships. I can’t bear the millions of reality shows which spring up every half a minute. I can’t take any of the laughter shows. If I wanted to laugh all I have to do is to follow shahid kapoor on twitter.

So that’s it. You have ruined my life and now I plan to throw you into the trash can and I’m sure even the trash can won’t be able to bear you. No wonder people call you the idiot box.

Was yours sincerely,

A depressed teenager